Retox Center Opening in Friday Harbor

Folks don’t have to relapse alone in their dark closets. They can now relax and relapse with their fellows who have fallen or jumped off the wagon in the warm comfort of the Retox Bar and Lounge.

This full-service bar, lounge, hotel and child-care center is conveniently located in the heart of Friday Harbor. The doors will soon open to serve the needs of the growing clientele. After Trump’s election, their numbers have soared and the new owners saw an opportunity to not only establish a successful business, but also serve the needs of this fragile, growing population.

“Yes, Friday Harbor was a logical choice for this new enterprise. Not only is there a large local population to serve, but access is easy from any of the islands and even the mainland via the Washington State Ferry System.”

The chief bartender is Dr. Ben Z. Diasomine. He is not only a first rate bartender, able to concoct the perfect mixed drink, draw beer with a perfect head from the ornate brass taps and pour generous glasses of wine right from the box, he can also write prescriptions for several popular controlled substances. Uncle Anthony’s Pharmacy is just a short walk away.

Wait staff include the popular Coco-dee Pendant and Val Eum. Both graduated from University of Washington, majoring in History, so they have really heard it all. Coco –dee is also fluent in both English and Spanish while Val is fluent in English Hip-hop Slang and even Emo.

Other features of the Retox Bar and Lounge include:

• No cover charge.

• Pets are welcome.

• Tobacco-free smoking room.

• Designated Childcare rooms with toys, electronic games, TV and fantasy story time every hour, all supervised by college graduates with English Literature degrees from the University of Washington.

• Free drinks on the house for every Seahawks touchdown.

• Free hors d’oeuvres featuring their delicious Milk-thistle Cookies.

• Happy Hours are from 7 am until 10 pm.

• Free drink of your choice in exchange for an AA coin.

• Adjacent hotel facilities of 25 private rooms for In-House patrons (reservations requested.)

• Out-Patrons are welcome to drop in or make reservations for favorite table.

• Free Transportation to anywhere on San Juan Island courtesy of Des. Driver Inc.

• Punch Cards

• Pull Tabs

• Easy Crossword Puzzles

• Gift Shop Featuring

  • Beer Mugs

  • Shot Glasses

  • Hip Flasks

  • Breath Mints

  • Condoms

• All embossed with the distinctive Retox Bar and Lounge logo and coat of arms.

So whether you fall off or jump off the wagon, come on down to the Retox Bar and Lounge. Coco, Val, Dr. Ben and the rest of the staff are waiting to serve you.