FAA Outlaws Levitation

Citing safety concerns, the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) in cooperation with the United States Air Force (USAF), has outlawed all levitation effective 2/1/17.

FAA spokesperson Wilma Wright (great-grand daughter of Wilber Wright) defended the decision due to safety concerns.

“A collision between any kind of aircraft and a person levitating would cause serious damage to the aircraft along with possible injury or death to the levitator,” said Ms. Wright at a packed press conference at the Orcas Island airport.

While pilots of both private and commercial aircraft applauded the decision, local yogis, gurus, transcendental meditators and generic high-flyers were outraged.

“Maharishi Jumblina said, “They allow drones but not levitators. This is truly not fair.”

Indrylala Director, Tom Leery, noted, “Although our campus is directly in the flight path of the airport, we self-regulate all levitation. There has never been a problem in the past. Yes, there have been a couple of close calls but the delinquent levitators were sternly disciplined, grounded for 30-days and forced to take remedial levitation lessons on safety issues. We also strictly teach newcomers to our meditation facility our safety policies regarding levitation.

Several high-flyers from Doe Bay and Eastsound nodded and vibrated in agreement.

Senator Kevin Rinker happened to be at the airport, departing for his new position as Trump’s ambassador to North Korea, had no comment on the controversial issue other than to briefly note that levitators may hinder USAF and Homeland Security (HS) efforts to intercept incoming nuclear ballistic missiles.

USAF pilot Anthony “Buzz” Alder empathetically supported the new regulation stating that, “A collision between a levitator and say a new F-22 Raptor fighter jet would surely do serious damage to this very expensive aircraft which would be an unnecessary waste of tax dollars.”

Despite the protests of the hovering Yogis, Gurus and High-Flyers, Ms. Wright remained unmoved. “We must protect the lives of pilots, the integrity of aircraft and tangentially the safety of levitators. (Several High-flyers scrambled to Google the word “tangential” on their iPhones.)_

Levitators vowed to protest and appeal this decision in the “Highest” Court.

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