Death Now Illegal in SJ County

The county government has now ruled that death is illegal in San Juan County.

County prosecutor Randy Gaymore is now authorized to enforce new regulations on death. First, all deaths will be treated as first class felonies.

Deaths will be punished with permanent, solitary confinement. This solitary confinement will be in a small box buried underground.

An alternative is burning at the stake. Dead people’s ashes will be spread over farms. Families who can prove their deceased relatives lived a pure life will be allowed to either dump the ashes on organic farms or into the ocean. Others will be spread on GMO farms.

“Death is expensive, especially to low income families. This should help relieve the burden on them,” said Mr. Gaymore.

“This is a positive step forward toward relieving families and the State from the burden of death,” said State Representative Kevin Renkest, now serving as ambassador to North Korea.

“Good idea”, said President Trump. “We need fewer s***-heads in our population. This is wonderful. I am not a racist. All people, regardless of color or creed will be punished equally. A new death tax will be implemented to remove the hassle of probate.”

“I can’t wait to die”, said Martha Whitmore of Lopez Island. “The new regulation makes my passing much easier on my family and friends. No fuss, no mess. When I’m soon gone I’ll know the State will take care of my remains. I’m tempted to just pass on today, thanks to this new ruling.”

Accordion player Wilber Land added, “My friends and neighbors have been looking for a ruling like this for years.”

Bagpipe player Martin Erickson agreed. “This will be a great relief to my family and friend.”

Saxophone player George Brooks said, “This will help me beat my drug and alcohol addiction, just have to eat my vitamins and live a long time to continue to bless my family and friends with my beautiful music from my wonderful instruments.”

While the long-term effects are unknown, both the State and the morticians will feel the short-term effect immediately. Local contractors have been contacted to start digging new solitary containment holes and new crematoriums are being built on all islands. Only bio-fuel will be used on those whose families choose burning at the stake to permanent imprisonment.

“I don’t like this ruling”, said elderly invalid Patricia Wilcox of San Juan Island. “I’ve already made all death arrangement under existing laws and see no reason to have to adjust my plans.”

Randy Gaymore replied, “This new ruling in no way effects those who already have State approved plans or are already dead.”

President Trump replied, “Good riddance. This country is already too full of people with non-Nordic sounding names.

Melenia Trump, first “lady” replied, “Huh. I don’t understand.”

Dead musician Keith Emersen had no reply.

Nor did dead musician Tom Pettie.

Probate lawyer William Shyster replied, “This will not only have a negative impact on our lucrative practice, it will also put a burden on those about to die.”

Governor Instep commented that a special session of the legislature is needed to further study the issue.

Satirical writer Gene Brooks added that, “This too shall pass. As shall we all.”

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